We can lower the divorce rate over time if fewer of you get married!
Am I saying you shouldn’t get married? Not necessarily, though perhaps not to that person. But that isn’t really the question. The question is; are you getting married too quickly- really before you truly know the person?
Do you REALLY know each other well enough? (Statistics say, probably not). Are you willing to accept the other person as they are, for who they are? With all of their current faults? And all the things that annoy you?
Or do you silently believe you can change and mold them into someone else? (If you do you are wrong. You cannot. You should forget it.) People may change over time because of their maturity and because they see that is something they wish to do, but otherwise they really don’t change. They regress to who and what they were.
According to the net, (though not always a reliable source) between 40% and 50% of first marriages end in divorce.
Why does ANY marriage end in divorce? Because issues arose that either one or both of you found too difficult to accept. You found the best solution to end the marriage. That is so if you divorced.
That tells me you didn’t know each other well enough to get married in the first place. You failed to do your homework. You were afraid of the answer you might find and instead chose to hope it would all work out. It didn’t! Both things hurt. Both make you sad. An earlier resolution is better.
The solution would have been to take more time to learn about the REAL person you think you are marrying.
To ask the tough questions and to be able and willing to accept the tough answers. You both have to do that.
Divorce is a much tougher resolution than that conversation you don’t want to have.
Had you done so, you would have suspected that he or she drank too much, or used drugs, or was a slob, or couldn’t hold a job, or would cheat on you, or would be disrespectful , or become violent, or was addicted to porn, or be selfish, or any of a number of other things.
You had the opportunity to ferret that out and you didn’t. Had you been a little more patient and delayed the marriage ceremony you could have avoided THAT marriage and hence the divorce that followed.
I get it. You love your potential future partner. So, tell them what you are both going to do. Homework!
Make a list of EVERYTHING you want to know about them. Ask your friends what questions should be on that list. Ask your friends what they wonder about the person. Add your own questions to the list and give it to them and ask them to answer every question that is important to you. Preferably in writing. It’s old fashion but it works. You in turn must do the same for them and their questions.
Read each answer carefully on your own. Do you agree with their answer? Is it complete, or do you suspect it to be incomplete or misleading. If you do, TALK to them about it.
Don’t be rushed. Take your time.
Pick the right person. They ARE out there. Say no if it isn’t right. Little things have a habit of becoming bigger. You WILL get tired hearing him chew his food. Big things become gargantuan. You can lose your house! Let’s see now if you pay attention.
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